Redifining Enough

We’re not in the 60s anymore.

One of the biggest challenges that I see with almost every client that I work with is the pressure to do ‘all of the things’.

Given my clients typically range anywhere from 30 up to mid-50, many of us grew up in homes where our mothers didn’t work, and the expectation was that they would stay at home and look after the children and take care of the house.

That was certainly my experience, my own Mum gave up her career in banking when she had me, and only returned to work when my little brother was 7 or 8. Even then, she began a new career as a TA in a school, prioritising a role that allowed her to work part time so she could still drop us at school and pick us up and where she could have the school holidays off to take care of us - a necessity when my Dad was in the Merchant Navy and often away from home for long periods at a time.

My memories of childhood are full of playing with my brother and sister - always with the ever-steady presence of my Mum in the background. There was always a home-made meal on the table in the evenings, our school uniforms were washed and ironed. She did our reading with us daily and helped with our spellings. I was very blessed to have such a privileged childhood in that sense, and it undoubtedly shaped the expectations I had of myself when I in turn became a wife and a mother.

Long before that, at the age of 22 or so, I moved in with my then-boyfriend, the first time I’d ever lived with a partner. I just assumed it was ‘my job’ to do the washing and the ironing, even though we both had demanding, full time jobs. Mine involved commuting to London daily - almost 2 hours door-to-door, though as a chef he was also putting the hours on the clock. When he questioned why I was ironing his t-shirts and told me to stop I was so confused.

I can look back and reflect on that now of course almost 20 years later, but at the time I felt like I was being criticised - told I was doing something wrong - when in my head I was just fulfilling the expectations of the female in the home.

My clients are no different - much as there are some wonderful campaigns for equality and fairness both in the workforce and in the home, in my (admittedly segmented and likely biased based on the type of client I work with) experience, these underlying expectations of ‘women's roles’ are still very much in evidence today.

The challenge that we now face of course is that on top of being the primary parent and taking care of the home, we’re also trying to excel in our careers and strive to work at the top of our demanding, changeable and highly demanding industry.

It’s no surprise that so many women feel utterly worn out. One client I worked with recently described how she felt hungover - on a Thursday evening - despite not having had an alcoholic drink since the previous Saturday. She was tired, had a stress headache and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed - but there’s mouths to feed and chores to be done, before she even thought about piling her demanding job on top of that.

It’s not surprising that when I ran a poll on my profile recently asking ‘what do you feel most guilty about’, giving the choice between ‘missing family time’, ‘not being 100% at work’ and ‘neglecting own needs’ 40% of the respondents answered ‘all of the above’. When people campaigned for women's right to ‘have it all’ I don’t think it was meant literally as ‘do it all’ - and yet that’s what I’m seeing as the reality for so many of my clients.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers and there’s certainly not a simple quick-fix, or even a one-size-fits-all approach to a solution for this. Everyone's households, demands and responsibilities are different and two individuals' priorities are rarely the same. One thing is for sure, you absolutely can have it all - but you can’t do everything, all at the same time.

What needs to give in your life right now to make space for a more pressing priority?

💌 If you enjoyed this, you’ll love The Load, Lightened - my weekly Friday newsletter. It’s packed with real talk, practical fixes, and quick wins to help you juggle work, family, and everything in between.